Dear Blake,
I have just made an incredible breakthrough! I have invented a functional time machine and I am so excited! My brain has been racing nonstop at the historic events I can see firsthand. Do you have any suggestions for me?
Signed R,
From Cheyenne, Wyoming
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Dear R,
If what you stated is true, you are a genius with an I.Q. at least in the 200’s. When I was in school I always hated history, and I thought it was pointless to learn about dead people that dressed funny. Anyway, here are some of my suggestions. Pretend to be a cop and confront Paul Revere after his famous ride when he was shouting the “The British are Coming!” Give him a citation for disturbing the peace, and if he doesn’t have a rider’s license or registration, have his horse towed. Tell the Indians after they rightfully massacred General Custer and his troops, that they will pay a heavy price for their victory, by the U.S. naming a pathetic baseball team after them in Cleveland. Stop by ancient Rome and tell Julius Caesar to get a trademark on his name, or companies will make a fortune by unfairly naming a salad dressing after him. But the most important thing I want you to do, is to go back to the point right before your grandparents first met… and stop the meeting. This insures that your parents were never conceived, which in turn guarantees your non-existence. The next time the nurse comes to see you in your padded room, tell her to increase your medication to the point where you are in capable of using a keyboard to write idiotic letters like the one you sent me. On the other hand, if you did actually create a functional time machine, I’d like to borrow it to go back to when I was in high school, so I can poison a bully that was in my chemistry class. And knowing me, just so I could keep your property, I’d try to figure out a way to prevent your grandparents from meeting. That way, you won’t have to endure the overwhelming grief of knowing that I ripped you off. I hope this helps.
Blake