Dear Blake,
I’m 30 years old, I live in Hawaii, I always have, and I have never been out of the state. What is winter like, because I have never experienced it?
Signed, Marcus
From Honolulu, Hawaii
* * * * * * * *
Dear Marcus,
Living exclusively in the tropics, you have no idea what all four season feel like. I guess you’ve become accustomed to year round mosquitoes, and relentless humidity creating perpetual clinging underwear. Since you’ve never touched snow, I can tell you it’s very cold to the touch. And it is very common for a person to grab a handful of it, compress it to make a ball, and throw it at the heads of approaching undesirable visiting in-laws. Another common tradition is to make creepy looking snowmen in your front yard, to see how many toddlers will be so terrified that they soil their pants. Icy roads has created a very popular game, in which drivers try to see how many cars they can skid into without anyone getting killed. And all contestants that get hit no matter how minor the car damage, are given 72 hours to fake a back injury. But just in case you literally want to have the actual sensation of a Midwest or east coast winter, try this. Fill your bathtub up with ice, remove all of your clothes and sit in it for about an hour. Hopefully you’ll remember the incredible experience as you die in a hospital of hypothermia. If you’re a Christian, you’ll probably still be sneezing when you get to heaven, but you’ll obviously thaw out a lot quicker if you went to hell. I hope this helps.
Blake