Dear Blake,
I am addicted to coffee. On the way to work, and when I get after I clock out, I always stop at Starbucks. I have been an accountant for 25 years, and during that time every day while I’m at work, I have at least three more cups of coffee. I don’t think I can quit or even reduce the amount. Most nights I don’t even sleep at all. My wife suggested that I contact you. What do you think I should do, if anything?
Signed, Calvin
From Tucson, Arizona
* * * * * * * *
Dear Calvin,
There are millions of people in this country alone that are addicted to caffeine. But before I comment on how screwed up you are, here is something you need to accept. People in your career field are always extremely boring individuals because their bland brains cluttered with meaningless figures. And the only time they get excited, is when they are cooking the books in an attempt to conceal corporate greed. Your likely motive for drinking so much coffee during the day, is to be alert when your boss comes in and fires you based on the fact that you irritate your co-workers because always seem so wired. It’s also possible that you go to Starbucks so often, because you have been emotionally suppressing your feelings that you support their anti-Christian positions, and as an accountant, your favorite number is probably 666. But as far as you not sleeping at night, don’t worry, it’s just a matter of time before your wife puts something in your coffee before you go to bed that will put you out like a light. And the next time you’ll move, will be shortly after the coroner turns on his electric saw, as he tries to determine your cause of death. I hope this helps.
Blake