Dear Blake,
I was reluctant to write this letter, but a friend of mine suggested that I contact you due to your reputation of never pulling any punches and telling people how you feel. Anyway, here goes. On five different occasions, I believe I was abducted by aliens from a distant planet. They blurred my memory, but I recall a spacecraft hover over my home, retrieving me through some sort of beam, putting me through a series of tests, and then releasing me. I don’t drink or use drugs, so I know it wasn’t brought on by that. I would like to know your thoughts on the matter.
Signed, Anthony
From San Francisco, California
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Dear Anthony,
Hundreds of people worldwide every year allege they were abducted, so your claim is not unique. What is odd, is someone getting abducted in San Francisco, when most of the people that live there think and look like they’re from another galaxy. The most common profile of a person being kidnapped by visiting humanoids, are campers in plaid shirts with bladders full of beer. I have no idea why they would repeatedly come after you, unless you’re considered weird even by California’s warped standards. If you really want the extraterrestrials to stop harassing you, here’s what I think you should do. Contact NASA in Houston, and tell them that you want to file a restraining order against those insensitive intergalactic kidnappers. They’ll send some guys over to pick you up, and you can fill out the paperwork in the back of a padded truck. And I hope you know how to write in crayon, because I doubt if they’ll give you any sharp objects. I hope this helps.
Blake