Dear Blake,
I am a 25 year old single woman with a very good job, and I would say I’m pretty happy with my life. My friends are wonderful, but my perfect view of the future is just a tiny bit blurred because I can’t find someone who will fall head over heels for me. What can I possibly do to make this process easier?
Signed, Elaine
From Palm Beach, Florida
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Dear Elaine,
It is totally understandable that you desire to have a man in your life that’s crazy about you. Nowadays, to do that, you must employ the most commonly used tactic to meet your objective, deception. If you know how to pad a résumé, then this will be the same thing, only verbally. Tell any man that you’re interested in, that you have access to millions of dollars from a trust fund as soon as you get married. Most guys love sports, so find out his favorite team, and have another male friend of yours feed you answers and comments through a bluetooth, that you can covertly relay to any gullible buffoon that has caught your fancy. But the best thing you can do is pretty expensive… and maybe worth it. Men are very visual, so I would suggest that you go to a doctor to have every part of your body altered to make it physically more appealing to the average shallow man. When he eventually finds out what you’ve done, if he really adores you, he’ll forgive you for the mountain of lies you told, and he might understand that complete phonies need love too. Hopefully, he’ll also accept the fact, that when you get older, all of those body alterations will probably have you looking like some ghoulish freak that lived inside a nuclear reactor. I hope this helps.
Blake
Huh?