Dear Blake,
The Scenario: The love of my life breaks up with me. A year later, I find lovely, adoring, devoted New Boyfriend. Old Boyfriend freaks out, apologizes, and proposes marriage. I decide to stay with New Boyfriend. The Problem: Two years later I think about Old Boyfriend 15 times a day. He still calls. We get along like gangbusters. We still say I love you and I get butterflies when I’m around him. The Question: Have I gone mad? New Boyfriend is lovely too. One with a little more of my head, one with a little more of my heart. How do I choose?
Signed, Debbie
From Fort Worth, Texas
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Dear Debbie,
Obviously, you can’t marry both of them because that’s bigamy and illegal. But there is no law against using both of them by perpetually picking their pockets clean. Let each man know of the other man’s level of interest, so the genetic masculine competition within them, will compel each man to honor any request you make. Such as, have one of them put a down payment on your dream car, and have the other one make the monthly installments. You should embrace the perspective of many women, which is, their love for you gives you the right to drain both of them financially. Do not feel guilty if both men have to get a second full time job just to keep up with your materialistic demands. And after you’ve done all this, if you still can’t decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with, encourage both men to honor and 18th century tradition and settle it in a duel… hand guns at twenty paces. But don’t be surprised if they secretly learned of the selfish way you have been treating them, and when they turn to fire, they both have their weapons aimed at your temple. Your last words will likely be “what the…” I hope this helps.
Blake