Dear Blake,
I read your column every weekend, and I feel that I have nowhere else to turn. Ann Landers, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Ruth have all told me that I am the one who needs counseling. Here’s the problem. My husband and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversary year after next. I’m afraid that we won’t make it because he gets so mad whenever my family or his family come to visit. They all have a habit of leaving the toilet lid open after using the bathroom. I’m afraid that he’s going to lose it, and I’ll be forced to result to drastic measures. Can you please help?
Signed, Brenda
Moseley, Virginia
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Dear Brenda,
Congratulations on your upcoming 25th anniversary. It’s entirely possible that your husband is probably extremely sanitary, but more than likely he has a suppressed level of anger that is consistent with people that are currently sitting on death row. Based on what you said, I feel it is just a matter of time before a visitor that leaves the seat up will invoke your spouse’s wrath, and end up getting hacked to pieces before they get flushed down the toilet they relieved themselves in. You should warn people before they come over of your husband’s mindset, and tell them to either to control their “body functions” so they don’t use your bathroom at all, or risk being listed on a “missing persons” report. But if you want to do something that probably won’t involve relatives getting dismembered, try this. Tell him to build an outhouse in your next door neighbor’s backyard and let them go there, which will probably get him arrested and sued. Maybe then, your relatives will realize how serious he was, and will hopefully offer a humble apology when they visit him in the local mental health facility… that has community latrines. I hope this helps.
Blake