Dear Blake,
The man I’m set to marry is a kind, honest, rare breed of man, but he has a serious problem controlling himself when drinking. If he crosses the line, which is very easy for him to do, he loses control and acts like a giant, lobotomized toddler set loose in the city. His friends and family ignore it (because it’s disarmingly charming to see a tall Brit behave like a puppy on ether), but I worry about the future. He believes we can work through it— he’ll grow out of the blackouts, and we’ll build trust. But how is this possible when alcohol features heavily in our lifestyle and work? Will my trust be constantly in jeopardy?
Signed, Donna
From Los Angeles, California
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Dear Donna,
Many men struggle with drinking socially as you probably already know. But an English boozer by far is the worst of all. More than likely that moron will regularly get DUIs, because even when he’s sober he’ll frequently drive on the wrong side of the street. The upcoming 4th of July will probably prompt him to chug down even more whiskey, since it will remind him that our country told King George to “drop dead” in 1775. If you foolishly go through with the wedding, you will still have the option at any time to end the marriage while shouting in his face, “The British are leaving, the British are leaving!” And if you really want to get under his skin, higher a divorce attorney that has an Australian accent. In other words, take that souse who’s your spouse, and kick him out of your house. (My opinion in the last sentence is still valid, even though I acknowledge that it was inspired by me listening to some rap music). I hope this helps.
Blake