Dear Blake,
For nearly a year I have been dating this guy that I am now crazy about. He is the handsomest man I have ever seen! About a month ago after he dozed off on my couch, I went through his wallet. I got his driver’s license number, SSN, and the numbers of a few of his credit cards. The following morning I began an extensive background check. To my amazement, no entity has ever heard of him! I hired a private detective, and to his surprise, he found nothing that confirmed that he even exists. What in the world could be going on?
Signed, Edna
From. Minot North Dakota
* * * * * * * *
Dear Edna,
I am glad to see that you have a special man in your life. What you have discovered suggests to me that he is in the witness protection program, and your snooping might have revealed his identity to shadowy characters, which will likely cause both of you be executed by the time I post your letter. It’s also possible that your heartthrob only exists in your mind, and the person who you thought was a private detective, was nothing more than an employee bringing to you one of the daily meals to the padded room at the facility you are currently housed in. It’s also possible (if he’s real) that he’s a spy from an area in this world that is hostile to American values, such as North Korea, Iran, and several neighborhoods in Chicago. But the biggest concern I have in regards to the legitimacy of your letter is your comment that your boyfriend is the “handsomest man” you’ve ever seen. Apparently you don’t get out much, because the standard in both Dakotas regarding beauty is much lower than the other 48 states. What you consider attractive, would be construed as homely by most of the people in this country. So, to maintain your comfortable delusion on the “looker” you snagged, never venture outside your state. Because you might not be able to emotionally handle the comparison to normal humans of how hideous your mystery man probably is. I hope this helps.
Blake