Dear Blake,
One of my roommates/friends has been acting very distant lately. She won’t make eye contact with me and will barely talk to me. For three days straight now, she has been ignoring me completely. Now, the other roommate is ignoring me too, and I’m sure it has something to do with my “friend”. What should I do?
Signed, Laura
From Jefferson City, Missouri
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Dear Laura,
Being snubbed by someone that you live with can be very awkward. But those uncomfortable feelings don’t compare to the sinister horrific things they are probably planning on doing to you. Have they recently joined a local cult? According to a government study, more human sacrifices happen in October than in any other month. So to be safe, I would encourage you not to sleep for the next three weeks. Don’t bother making coffee, just eat the beans as if they were candy. In case you doze off, put motion detectors at the entrance of your room that will sound an ear piercing alarm if anyone is aggressively approaching you with a blunt object. Or you can contact all of your close friends and family, making a schedule for them to call you every five minutes, 24 hours a day to make sure you’re still alive. Be sure not to fall for any of their dangerous pranks. Like have you fly on a broom that’s not fully charged, and you lose power at 12,000 feet. But it’s entirely possible that your roommates might be mad at you about something minor, that’ll soon pass, and things will be back to normal. On the other hand, they may be so disgusted at the sight of you, that they’ll consider giving a door key and your picture to a mysterious creepy clown in your neighborhood, that’s been seen juggling meat cleavers at night, and will gleefully conduct his own version of eviction procedures. I hope this helps.
Blake