Dear Blake,
I’ve been married to the perfect man for six months and am standing on the threshold of divorce. My husband has money for everything—trips all over the world, gambling $50,000 hands in Vegas—but I have to fight him for a facial. He says I’m “stupid” and “out of control” for asking him for money for something like that. My self-esteem is suffering (along with my skin and hair). I have no access to any accounts, no ATM, no cash unless he gives it to me. He tells me “money is tight,” yet we live in a mansion, and his driver is always outside with his limo. He keeps promising to get me a credit card but always comes up with excuses. I love my husband. What do I do?
Signed, Florence
From Denver, Colorado
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Dear Florence.
Unfortunately for you, the number one reason for divorces in America is finance related. Your case is an oddity, because your cheap husband has money and is tighter than a clam with lock jaw. If he won’t give you money for skin or a facial, so you can look pretty for him, then I suggest that you let yourself go… entirely. Stop bathing and brushing your teeth, and wear the same clothes indefinitely, until they are about to fall off you like old rags. Always give the public appearance that you are hungry and homeless. Stand in front of his place of business, shaking a can with coins in it as you beg for money, and offer to clean the windshields of his co-workers for a dollar or two. Or you can do this. Ask him for “x” amount of money. If he doesn’t give it to you, find something in the house that’s worth about what you requested from him, and pawn it. If it’s for a large amount of money you desire, threaten to have a garage sale if he doesn’t fork over the cash. But, if my previous suggestions are too extreme for you, than here is a simple one. Fire the current limo driver, and replace him with a stuntman. Do some legal research and make sure that if anything ever “happens” to your husband, everything goes to you. And then, have the stuntman leap out of the car at the last second, as he guides it over a steep cliff in the Rocky Mountains, with your husband in the back seat. With a little luck, the stuntman will keep rolling, and hopefully goes over the edge too. That would benefit you, because bribed co-conspirators have a reputation of cracking under pressure when being interrogated by the police. I hope this helps.
Blake