Dear Blake,
Please help! I’m convinced we’ll have a happier Yule if we ban alcohol, but my 92 year old grandmother has never made it through a Christmas morning without the brandy bottle. How do I show her that her intoxication often ruins the whole day?
Signed, Holly
From Norfolk, Virginia
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Dear Holly,
Christmas is time for family of all ages to bond, unite, and reminisce. However, this does not mean you should allow some ancient lush to make an annual idiot out of herself. Banning liquor may send a message, but that rickety old boozer will probably try to masquerade it by putting it an empty Geritol bottle. You can also try this. Video tape her, and put it on youtube, which will either shame her into not guzzling during the family gathering, or she may never want to see you or speak to you again. Either response on her part will meet your objective. You can have everyone else in the house put on earplugs when she arrives, so they won’t be aware when she falls, and have to listen to the irritating sound of shattering brittle bones. But the simplest idea is to get rid of her for a day, anonymously dropping her off at a local nursing home, and picking her up December 26th. They won’t turn her away, even though they won’t have any idea who she is. Just drive to the nearest facility on Christmas Eve, and when you slow down to about 20 mph, shove her out. But be sensitive, so don’t do it too late in the evening, because senior citizens often go to bed early and you don’t want to wake them when your grandmother screams as you drive off while she’s tumbling through the snow. I hope this helps.
Blake