Dear Blake,
I am a newlywed, and this Christmas is the first one my wife and I will spend together. But here’s the problem, we both disagree on what kind of tree to get and how to decorate it. We have a wide range of common interests, but we are miles apart when it comes to this tradition. Neither one of us wants to compromise. Please intervene… QUICK!!!
Signed, Tommy
From Lewisburg, West Virginia
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Dear Tommy,
I can understand the time honored tradition of giving a personal touch to a Christmas tree. But considering where you live, don’t hillbillies have more important things to worry about, like cleaning and cooking roadkill for your next meal? Even if you two can’t agree on what kind of bulbs and lights to place on the tree, I am sure there won’t be an argument on using as tinsels, corks that are strung together that were used to plug jugs of moonshine. And since you are probably used to dirt floors, don’t buy a tree, just build a shack around one that’s already growing. However due to the fact that I am very safety conscience, don’t get a real tree, get a fake one. Because a real one might catch fire and burn down the log cabin you two live in. Or even worst, it could spread into the forest that surrounds your home, and cause your whiskey creating still in the backyard to blow up, which in turn will cause toddlers as well as adults in your community that buys booze from you, to deal with life… while sober. I hope this helps.
Blake