Dear Blake,
I just moved from Baton Rouge to the Big Apple. Since I have been out here, I have a new friend that has been smothering me. She lives in the apartment across the hall from me, and every time she hears my door open, she bolts out of her place to greet me. If I’m entering, she follows me in. If I’m leaving, she walks me to my car, or walks with me to the store, restaurant, etc., talking about nothing. She’s a nice lady, but she is driving me crazy!!! What should I do?
Signed, Sarah
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
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Dear Sarah,
Clingy friends can often make people very uncomfortable. But sometimes it’s ok to pry them off with a crowbar… literally. Ok, here’s some tips to get her to back off. Tell her you are an international double agent, and two governments are out to kill you, along with anyone that you appear to be associated with. Your friend will probably try to break her lease with her landlord within the hour. Go to a creative make-up artist that make you look sickly, and when your friend sees you, tell her you have a disease that’s highly contagious, and then with tears in your eyes, demand a hug to be comforted. She’ll probably run faster than an Olympic sprinter when she dashes back into her apartment and double locks the door. And this is my favorite idea. Invite her over during a stormy night that has lots of thunder, because you want to present her with a business opportunity. As she enters your place, have in the open an electric saw sitting on top of a bloodstained gurney. Emphatically state that you have been making a fortune selling harvested organs. And then display an eerie smile as you hand her a “special drink” that you made, telling her to kick back and relax. It would also help if you were wearing a tee shirt that had the words “I love Frankenstein”, while praising Black and Decker power tools. I hope this helps.
Blake