Dear Blake,
I am writing this to relieve a heavy burden I have carried for many years. I’m 16 and have had a crush on this girl since I was 9. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her, and have never gotten over it. I have always had a problem expressing my feelings. I have been very shy from the day I was born. Now that I’m older, I have more confidence and have lost most of my shyness. What should I do after years of barely talking to her?
Signed, Joey
From Concord, New Hampshire
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Dear Joey,
Puppy love is very common for 9 year old boys. Hopefully the shyness that you shed won’t be exchanged for the mindset of a predator, like the ones that are seen regularly on Lifetime movies. If you want to get her attention, tell her how pretty she is. If that doesn’t work, tell her how homely she is, and I promise you she’ll notice you then… especially when she watches her brothers beat your brains out. If you two eat in the same cafeteria at school, buy her lunch. If she still shows you no interest, demand your money back or threaten to sue her in small claims court. Try to create some bogus letterhead from all eight Ivy League schools, and show her that you have been given an academic scholarship from all of them suggesting that you have a bright future. Hopefully, by the time she realizes you’re a pathetic liar, she might be so into the relationship that it won’t matter. What you should’ve been doing since you were 9, is gathering information on her, using tactics comparable to what J. Edgar Hoover did when he headed the FBI. And seven years later show her what you have, promising to make it all public unless she starts dating you. At that point, it’s possible that your extreme method may prompt her to see your commitment and love for her, and she’ll be ecstatic about being your girlfriend. On the other hand, if she does that, do you really want to date someone who is that stupid? I hope this helps.
Blake