Dear Blake,
You and your readers may consider my problem trivial, but to me it’s really irritating. My wife, who is in her early 60s, has the figure of a 40-year-old. She’s a great lover, fabulous cook, wonderful mother to our four children and warms my heart when I see her enter the room. The problem is, my teeth are spaced rather far apart, and food gets stuck between them. After every meal, I need to use a toothpick, yet she refuses to put toothpicks — even in an attractive container — on the table. She says they will just collect dust and are not pretty. On top of that, she refuses to allow a pill container for my vitamins or heart medicine. I would never leave her over this, but what can I do with this stubborn, but otherwise wonderful woman?
Signed, Ronnie
From Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
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Dear Ronnie,
I don’t think your problem is minor and I understand your frustration. If she is in her 60s and has the body of a 40 year old, then you completely missed the big picture, which is she plans on leaving you the first chance she gets. The real reason why she won’t place toothpicks on the table, is because she doesn’t want you to remove the food from your mouth so your teeth will rot, and she’ll use that as an excuse for packing her bags. Assuming you’re her age, if not older, women like her do not want to be with an old man with a raggedy smile. She probably has been eyeing a couple of bodybuilders at the local gym that she has been dying to give her phone number. And if your wife is indirectly denying you vitamins, that suggests to me that she wants to speed up your aging, so she can relive her distant past when she was still happy. But by far, my biggest concern is her not allowing you access to your heart medicine. This sounds like an Agatha Christie murder plot, but I could be wrong. But to be on the safe side, get really suspicious if she starts feeding you pork at every meal. I hope this helps.
Blake