Dear Blake,
I am married to a great guy. We’ve been together 27 years, so I know him well. He recently stopped smoking after 30 years of nicotine addiction. He did it cold turkey, and he’s been smoke-free for three months now. I’m proud of him and tell him so. The problem is, now he gets drunk almost every day. I don’t know how to respond to this. I continue praising him for quitting and point out the health benefits that are already obvious — his breathing, returned senses, etc. — but it’s getting old. Should I continue to say helpful things or just ignore him when he’s drunk?
Signed, Mildred
From Spokane, Washington
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Dear Mildred,
I am glad to see that your husband is finally rid of that awful habit. Unfortunately, he swapped it with one that’s ten times more publicly irritating. Ok, here’s my advice. The next time he gets loaded, dress him up in some bright colored Leotards, and then drop him off at a gay bar. And then go to the media and tell them your husband is missing. If he gets some tv time, he’ll never drink again. Or, if he starts boozing it up, open your doors to some foul smelling town drunks to join him. When he sees that you’re spending a small fortune on Glade, he might want to give up the liquor. However, I feel the best thing to do is to lead by example, and show him how you can act if you’re drunk. The next time he comes home from work, have an empty bottle of vodka in your hand, that you poured out, and pretend to be wasted. And then start going into to detail, in regards to every element about him that you consider disgusting, including how unromantic you think he is. A few hours later when you pretend to sober up, act like you have no idea what he’s talking about. I assure you, it will be a matter of time before he bans all alcohol in your house. And considering what you say to him during your bogus drunken stupor, it’ll be years before he gets his self-esteem back… assuming he eventually stops crying. I hope this helps.
Blake