Dear Blake,
I will soon be married 48 years, but it is not much of a marriage. There are rarely compassionate words, only bickering and arguing, with no physical intimacy on any level. I can’t figure out why I’m still here. I have thought about leaving many times. I have written three books, and because of it, my husband has ridiculed me. I’m active in the community, which he resents. He is an introvert, while I am an extrovert. He no longer accompanies me to activities, but when he did, he would make snide remarks to people who stopped to chat with us. So I no longer invite him. Help me, please!
Signed, Ellen
From New York City, New York
* * * * * * * *
Dear Ellen,
It’s sad to hear that you have been miserable for so long. I would discourage you from divorcing him, because that would drastically reduce your options to torment him for the rest of his pathetic life. Here are some ideas. Put a bottle marked “cyanide” in the refrigerator and act like you have no idea how it got there. And then watch how he tries to teach himself to sleep with one eye open. Try to get people to run him out of town, after you spread a rumor that he has abused so many dogs and cats over the years, that he has been banned from every animal shelter on the east coast. The next time he tries to embarrass you in public, tell him in front whomever is present, that if DNA tests existed 45 years ago, he would know that none “your” children are his. On the other hand, it just might be that your husband is a little jealous and feels left out of your literary skills. So try this. Tell him that you plan on writing a fictional book that he inspired. And considering the kind of husband he is, I suggest that you call it, “Living with an Impotent Idiot”. And remember, no matter how humiliated and angry he becomes after it gets published, tell him if he doesn’t change his ways, you’ll write a sequel, and seek a movie deal. I hope this helps.
Blake