Dear Blake,
Years ago, I bought a beautiful little cottage in the North Carolina mountains as a second home. I feel very lucky to be able to afford such a luxury and have always been generous, sharing it with family and friends. However, it has reached the point where people constantly ask to use it. Here’s the issue. My guests have left holes in cushions, bubble gum on couches and someone’s child even peed in the bed. Only once in 10 years was I left with a thank-you note and a gift card to a local store. Most of the time I find a bottle of cheap wine. (I don’t drink.) How can I stop this? I’m being taken advantage of. I know I’m partly at fault for being so generous.
Signed, Morris
From Raleigh, North Carolina
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Dear Morris,
Your generosity is truly admirable and you should be commended for that. I think it would also be commendable to be proactive, and ridding yourself of those nasty ungrateful freeloaders. Ok, consider some of the suggestions. Tell them that the cabin is now in foreclosure, but it can be saved if everyone who wants to use it, pitches in financially. Or, tell them that you just found out that the property was sold to you, because it is haunted by an axe murderer that was executed for his crime. You can enhance the illusion by tossing a hatchet covered with fake blood through a window, while your guests are there enjoying an evening of serenity. Here’s another one that might work. Accuse one of them of leaving some cocaine in the residence, and angrily tell them that nobody can use it until someone confesses. And my last idea is this. Tell them that you are extending your generosity to people less fortunate than yourself, so you are removing all locks in the cabin, to make it accessible to anyone that wants to bed down for the night. And then remind your friends or family that plans to vacation there, to not be surprised if they wake up one morning laying next to a hobo, or a raggedy-mouth hillbilly looking for some vittles. I hope this helps.
Blake