Dear Blake,
I have selenophobia (fear of the moon). I won’t even go outside at night knowing that big thing is floating in the sky and staring at me. What can I do about this? I tried writing my congressman to see if he could have it moved to another part of this planet, but he has yet to respond to any of my countless letters. What should I do?
Signed, Taylor
from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
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Dear Taylor,
I’ve always thought the moon was beautiful and romantic. The soft glow has inspired many a poet throughout history. Thus I don’t understand why you’re exaggerating your self importance by assuming that a satellite 240,000 miles away would squander it’s time glaring at you, out of all the billions of people on this planet, especially in that dusty state in which you reside. However, you just may be able to bond with your congressman, because many of them are also mentally unstable. Legend does tell us that certain type of people are dramatically affected by the moon. When it appears, do you quickly grow fangs, fur, and a tail? If your answer is yes, start wearing a flea collar, and take two silver bullets and call me in the morning. I hope this helps.
Blake