Dear Blake,
I’m recently married, and in my opinion, my wife has too many pets — seven inside dogs. She also feeds the neighborhood cats, so at any given time of day, there are 10 to 18 cats in our front yard. The dogs inside have no boundaries. They have taken over the main living space. The family room sofas are filthy and destroyed, so we can’t use that space either, and it’s a total eyesore. The carpet is gone, and there is dirt and dog hair everywhere. I’m at my wits’ end. I feel I have no say in this matter, and I’m constantly stressed over these living conditions. I don’t know how to approach her on this when she sees nothing wrong with it. All she sees is their cuteness.
Signed, Willie
From Olympia, Washington
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Dear Willie,
I can see how frustrated you are. I would suggest that you give your wife an ultimatum, either the animals go or you go, but I’m under the impression she’ll immediately hand you some luggage. So here are my recommendations. Effective immediately, every time something is destroyed by one of those flea-breeding creatures, don’t replace it. Maybe your wife will change her attitude when she’s living in a home with no furniture or carpet. Or, you can have her hypnotized into believing that the dogs are wolves and the cats are tigers. Hopefully people on your block that’ll hear her ear-piercing screams of terror, won’t think you’re beating your wife. Maybe you can make friends in your neighborhood, that are from other countries, that actually eats cats and dogs. Then invite them over, and let your wife see them carrying cookbooks. But probably the most covert way to deal with this problem, is anytime you and your wife leave home for an extended period of time, have someone post a sign on your front lawn, that states your home is now an animal shelter that is going to put the entire group down, unless they are taken out of your house and yard immediately. And if your spouse finds out and objects, tell her you’re considering putting her name on the exact same list. I hope this helps.
Blake