Dear Blake,
I am in high school, and there’s a boy I see for at least an hour every day. About six months ago, I developed feelings for him. I’ve had crushes before, but nothing like this. It is all-consuming. I never thought I would feel this way until I met him. However, he has a girlfriend who seems to like him a lot, and the feeling is obviously mutual. Now, let’s be clear: I am NOT looking to break them up. I see they are very happy together, and I would never try to get in the way of that. I just feel trapped. I have tried not being around him. I tried switching classes. Nothing works. I just want to know how to move on from him.
Signed, Sheila
From Kansas City, Kansas
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Dear Sheila,
I am impressed that you are taking the mature approach of not trying to break the two of them up. But I see nothing wrong with you trying to figure out a way to run both of them out of town so you don’t have to see them together. Ok, consider some of these ideas. Send anonymous notes to their biology or science teachers, alleging that the two of them are planning on doing something very destructive to the school in the near future, and everyone is in danger. And to appear that you are genuinely concerned about your crush and his girlfriend, be sure and put something on their books while they are being held in a juvenile detention center. Or, contact ICE with some bogus documents that suggests that they both are here illegally from a country that is known for terrorism, and if they get deported to a country and placed in different high schools, obviously that’s not your fault. Another way to get them expelled from school, is to spread rumors that they regularly cheat on their exams, and they have started a secret cult where they make animal sacrifices during a full moon while worshiping Lori Loughlin. But probably the most dramatic way to address this issue you’re having, is to convince cops that the two of them are just like Bonnie and Clyde and are extremely dangerous killers. And if you believe that both of them might end up like those two famous criminals from the 1930s at the hands of the police, tell the secret boy you admire and his mate, to make sure that their parents have full coverage on their vehicle, because a couple hundred bullets have been known to total cars. I hope this helps.
Blake