Dear Blake,
I have no idea what get my wife for Mother’s Day, even though I don’t have the desire to get her anything. She doesn’t work, doesn’t cook, and the house is always a pig sty. My two young children have no idea what a tidy home looks like. Anytime I ever complain about her not working, never cooking, and regularly leaving the house a mess, she reminds that if I don’t like it, I should leave. I’m frustrated in trying to figure out what to get her. Any suggestions?
Signed Chuck,
from Orlando, Florida
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Dear Chuck,
All mothers should be honored on Mother’s Day because of their immeasurable contributions around the world. Unfortunately, that includes that filthy worthless slob that you’re married to. She doesn’t cook? I would suggest you go to your local book store and buy the biggest thickest recipe book they have, and then hit her in the back of the head with it. Obviously, the ancient proverb “cleanliness is next to Godliness” shows that your unmotivated pathetic spouse is slowly approaching the outskirts of hell. So in my opinion, the best gift you can give her, is to force her to take a course on how to keep a dwelling neat and clean at all times. This can easily be done by secretly placing a large amount of cocaine and crystal meth in her purse, and then calling the police telling them that you have information about an imminent drug deal. I assure you it’ll just be a matter of time before she becomes regimented on how to always be organized and immaculate, after the prison guards conduct enough surprise inspections. I hope this helps.
Blake