Dear Blake,
For the past five years or so I have been carefully watching this lady that lives across the street from me, everyday. She is really pretty, but I’ve never spoken one word to her. I know where she works and her days off. I even know how often she checks her mail and where she shops for groceries. This is the woman I want to marry, but I’m too scared to introduce myself. What do you think I should do?
Signed, Forrest
from Hyde Park, Illinois
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Dear Forrest,
Your letter was really revealing, and you gave me some insight that I was never aware of. I had no idea that creepy stalkers were ever interested in having a serious relationship. I erroneously assumed that people like you, only filled their time with disjointed thoughts fabricating relationships that don’t exist, and keeping up with the latest technology regarding binoculars. Because you spend so much time monitoring her movements, that suggests to me that you don’t work, so she might not be interested in an unemployed neighbor with possibly sinister intentions. What you really need is a hobby to get your mind off of this woman. And you can have your choice of several handicrafts that are void of sharp objects, at any number of reasonably priced mental health facilities from a list I’ll have mailed to you. I hope this helps.
Blake