Dear Blake,
I am writing this with overwhelming sadness. My 75-year-old husband is a tyrant. Our neighbors hate him, and so do our children. He is an overbearing, impetuous child. I cry every day. I can’t talk to him without him yelling. I am a subservient person. How do I go on with this? He is very healthy. I try so hard, and I have no life. He says mean things to me all the time. Please give me some advice.
Signed, Samantha
From Dallas, Texas
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Dear Samantha,
You are undoubtedly living in a hell on earth. The only thing I can suggest to you, is to try to be a worse tyrant than he is, which will compel him to the negotiating table. Here are some of my ideas. Read books in his presence that demonstrates how Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan dealt with people that got out of line. And then buy a sword that looks medieval, placing it on your nightstand anytime you and your husband go to bed angry. Or, rarely allow him to speak. Anytime he speaks without you speaking to him first, scream as loud as you can “shut up!” If he continues to talk, grab the nearest blunt object, and then dare him to part his lips while giving him a creepy sneer. When you get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom, demand that when you re-enter the bedroom, for him to be waiting, standing at attention. If he doesn’t, light a pack of firecrackers and toss them on his pillow. And if none of those suggestions work, this final one can permanently rid you of that loser. You said your neighbors and children hate him. So invite everyone over that can’t stand the sight of him, and give them the details of your plan. Make sure everyone “participates” in his demise with the “witnesses” on the same page, so the police cannot arrest anyone. Keep in mind that it’s very important that all of your guests stick to the same story, which should be, your husband strangled himself to death, and then buried himself in a shallow grave in your backyard. I hope this helps.
Blake