Dear Blake,
I agreed to pay for a cellphone for a friend’s daughter while she went to school in the U.S. She was supposed to be here for three years. Well, it is now year four, and she’s planning to stay here after graduation. How do I tell her that I am not willing to continue paying for her phone after graduation?
Signed, Milton
From Lexington, Kentucky
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Dear Milton,
I think it was nice of you helping out your friend’s daughter during school while she is in the country. However, now that she has embraced the American tradition of freeloading, you should also show her one of our other traditions, “vindictiveness”. You haven’t told me what country she’s from so I’ll have to guess. If she’s from Italy, tell her she can continue to use the phone, but she will be paying you rates comparable to greedy Mafia loan sharks, and if she misses one payment, she forfeits her kneecaps. If she’s from Australia, inform her that if she doesn’t return the cell phone to you immediately, you will hire a professional NFL kicker to go to her home country, and make sure every sleeping koala bear it sees, becomes airborne. And finally, if she’s from Canada, tell her that you will have the settings changed on her phone so she can’t get updates from her country regarding the idiotic laws that her brain frozen politicians decided to pass. Unfortunately, if she was born and raised there, she’s probably stupid enough to view that as a compliment. I hope this helps.
Blake