Dear Blake,
When my husband and I eat a meal, as soon as he’s finished he gets up and wanders around. We call that the “wandering” phase of his meal. I have asked him to no avail to stay seated and talk with me. I think it is disrespectful. My husband also pulls out his phone when we are out with friends. I have told him that what he’s doing is basically telling them he would rather see what’s on his phone than converse with them. He doesn’t do it for the entire meal, but when he does, it irritates me. How can I get basic manners across to him?
Signed, Blanch
From Carson City, Nevada
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Dear Blanch,
What your is husband doing is insensitive and disrespectful. There are some things you can do to keep him in the dining area, even if it causes him to be hospitalized shortly thereafter. Here are some ideas. If you want him to talk to you, as soon as he’s finished eating, say stuff like “your mother called and she told me” and then pause for a dramatic effect, and then say “never mind, unfortunately you’ll eventually find out”. When he asks for details, tell him to drop the subject, and then sit back and enjoy watching him have a panic attack. This idea might work. The next time you go to bed and he hugs you passionately, grab your phone and tell him that you have to find an image of a gorgeous movie star, because you can only “perform” if you fantasize about someone you consider desirable, or you can continue to try to force yourself to find Frankenstein, sexy. How about this one? Barricade him in the kitchen, so by the time he moves the furniture and everything you piled up, he’ll start a conversation… questioning your sanity. And my last suggestion is this. While he’s relaxing and enjoying a meal, sneak under the table and literally nail his feet to the floor. And while he’s screaming in pain asking why you did it, tell him that your action is an indirect reference to Easter… think about it. I hope this helps.
Blake