Dear Blake,
I will be going to college this fall with a full scholarship in football, and people that have seen me play are pretty sure I will make it to the pros. The issue I’m dealing with is, I can hardly read nor write. In fact, my little brother in 4th grade is helping me write this. What do you think will happen to me once my secret is revealed while I’m in college?
Signed, L
From Los Angeles, California
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Dear L,
Being a star athlete as adoring crowds watch you perform, is obviously exciting and rewarding. But you shouldn’t feeling alone because probably some of your teammates will also be illiterate dumb jocks like yourself. Potential superstars bring in a lot of revenue for college football teams, so the school you selected will tolerate you walking around on campus with rocks in your head instead of brains. Many people believe this is a fair exchange; you get a free education, and in return you allow yourself to get pimped for four years. If you become one of the stars of the team, I strongly suggest that you avoid all reporters, and never go to press conferences where you expected to speak. You can prepare for this by always keeping a doctor’s note with you that you can hand to sports reporters, that states that you have a rare type of laryngitis that always flares up after a game. By doing this, they will never know the difficulty you have in stringing words together to form sentences, while simultaneously using good English. But here’s some good news. Even if you don’t make it to the pros, you can always reflect on the memories when you dazzled people in a packed stadium, as you’re wearing your blue vest, welcoming shoppers at the front door of Wal-Mart. I hope this helps.
Blake