Dear Blake,
Father’s Day is coming up and as usual I am reluctant to get him anything. I just turned 18, and he left my mother when I was 4. In the past 5 years, the only time he comes around me and my siblings is for Father’s Day or his birthday. And he would be nowhere to be found on Christmas or our birthdays. I know I should respect him no matter what kind of person he is, but this is really irritating. Please give me some guidance.
Signed, Lance
from New York City
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Dear Lance,
The relationship between a child and their father is a very important bond during their youth. You obviously have no control of which self-centered loser decides to contribute 50% to the creation of your existence. Maybe the amount of money you spend on a gift should be based on your opinion of him, and fortunately you can easily locate a Dollar Store, since they’re a national franchise. However no matter what he has or hasn’t done in the past, he is still your dad, so listen to this suggestion. Because you live in New York City, you are probably aware of the variety of ethnic groups that are concentrated in specific parts of the Big Apple. Take him to dinner to honor him for Father’s Day, spike his drink, and then unload him at a bus stop in one of those neighborhoods while he is still sedated. But before you drive off, write on his forehead with a permanent marker, an offensive word or comment that would enrage the average person from the culture in that part of town. And since it will be Father’s Day, be sure to show him some compassion while visiting him later in the hospital, if or when he comes out of a coma. I hope this helps.
Blake