Dear Blake,
I can’t get my husband to go to the doctor. He has always been a strong and healthy man with good habits. However, he recently started getting random sharp pains in his chest. They last only a split second, and they tend to happen at random. At least, that’s what he’s said to me. I want him to go to the doctor to check it out, but he does not seem to think of it as a big deal. How can I convince him to take this seriously?
Signed, Martina
From San Diego, California
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Dear Martina,
Your concerns are both reasonable and understandable. To save his life your only option is to manipulate that ungrateful moron into going the hospital… instead of the local morgue. So, considers these options. You could pretend that you put some cyanide in his food and he has less than an hour to live. And to further enhance the charade, show him a bogus insurance policy you took out him, plus a picture of the 20 year old you’ve been secretly dating that you plan to marry. Or, you can tell him that you want to go with him to visit a sick friend, and once you’re there, inform security that your husband is mentally ill, and promises to start killing puppies as soon as he leaves. Once they’ve restrained him and the straps are secure, tell the doctors about his chest pains. And this tactic might work, frame him for a crime. Once he’s in prison, he’ll want to stay in the hospital wing for as long as possible, to avoid going back to the general population, where his cellmate has admitted that he has a crush on him. The worst case scenario is, that he doesn’t listen to you, and dies. If that happens, comfort his loved ones at his funeral when you give the eulogy, by emphasizing he was a proud man, and a fearless man. And even though he was also a godless man that never been to church a day in his life, tell the attendees that you hope God considers his few virtues when he’s being judged, and to show His compassion, hopefully the Almighty sends him to the cooler part of hell. I hope this helps.
Blake