Dear Blake,
Christmas is almost here. I hear people offer a variety of gift ideas, but could you give me some suggestions of gifts to avoid, before I go shopping?
Signed, Leonard
From Boston, Massachusetts
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Dear Leonard,
One of the reasons Christmas was created, was so people could display the joy of giving. Unfortunately, it also created a time for idiots to show their unique skill of giving thoughtless moronic gifts that the recipients all too often, can’t wait to throw away. Ok, here are some presents people should avoid. Clothes. It is not likely that someone can accurately guess someone’s size, style, color choices, etc. for any garment. That’s why most of the attire given as gifts in December, are treated as rags by January, such as using them to remove wax from a car, or to clean up puddles of vomit after a wild drinking party. Giving “how-to” books is an insult, because it indirectly reminds the recipients that they are basically really stupid. Homemade gifts are always a bad idea, because those worthless concoctions always fall apart within a few days, and you don’t have a receipt to take the pathetic junk, back. And finally, giving money. Some people will appreciate the needed gesture, but most will abuse your kindness. The ones that are currently expecting, if not outright demanding some cash every Christmas, send them a welfare application next holiday season. A few of your friends and relatives may be insulted by that, but true diehard freeloaders will thank you… and then probably request your assistance in filling out the forms. I hope this helps.
Blake