Dear Blake
My husband and I used to be very close to another couple in town. Before the pandemic, they caused quite a bit of pain and drama among our friend group, so we decided to add some distance. The pandemic provided the perfect excuse. We exchange texts every few weeks, but otherwise we don’t interact much. The problem is, now that we’re all vaccinated, they want to be friends again and we just aren’t up for it. We don’t know the best way to clearly end the friendship. How do we break up with these “former” friends?
Signed, Lydia
From Madison, Wisconsin
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Dear Lydia,
The pandemic has put a strain on a lot of relationships. It also exposed which of your friends are total losers, that you want to continue NOT seeing. Anyway, here are some ideas. You and your husband shouldn’t bathe for at least week, and then invite them over. Tell them that you two believe you are now one with nature, and will never use personal hygiene products again. That’ll make them wat to avoid you, or at least attempt to remain upwind. Or, start taking an opposing opinion on everything they strongly embrace, even going as far as calling them misguided idiots, and as friend you feel compelled to straighten them out. Or this one. Consistently interrupt them when they talk, and refuse to yield the floor back. If they try to get a word in edgewise, walk away from them, shaking your head in disgust while calling them even more names. And lastly, tell them that the drama they caused, has caused some of your mutual friends to plan to beat both of them up. Add that you told those angry friends that have no desire to be involved in a physical confrontation, but you did you promise to film it on your phone, put it on YouTube, and leave before an ambulance or homicide detectives begin to arrive. I hope this helps.
Blake