Dear Blake,
I have been divorced less than a year, and while I wasn’t expecting to rush into a relationship, I have met someone I really like, and he treats me so well. The problem is I haven’t yet told my children, and while speaking with my 13-year-old son, he told me he would run away if I was ever with anyone except his dad. He also said he didn’t care if I was happy or not. I don’t want to hurt — or worse, lose — my son. He refuses to talk to a counselor. How do I move on and get my son to accept this situation?
Signed, Tamara
From Anderson, Indiana
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Dear Tamara,
I am happy you found love after your marriage ended. So whatever you do, don’t let your relationship be disrupted by your teenager that wants to throw a firecracker into your future, but instead, throw a few sticks of dynamite into his. Here are some ideas. Tell your son you’ll honor his request if he agrees not to have a girlfriend that you disapprove of. Then have him watch the movie “The 40 year old Virgin”, emphasizing that your goal is to force him to break that record. Tell him his dad was and idiot, and that’s why you’re divorced him, then add that you are positive that he definitely has his father’s moronic genes. If he doesn’t want to talk to a counselor, tell him he doesn’t have to. And let him know if he changes his mind, there are plenty of counselors at the orphanage you plan on dropping him off at, or if he winds up overseas, he can spill his guts to his co-workers in one of many sweat shops. Lastly, inform that brat of yours, you’re glad he plans to run away if you nurture your new relationship, because you was hoping he moved out with your ex, so you’d be permanently be rid of two losers simultaneously. To further emphasize your point, when your new man is on his way over, put some suitcases next to the front door with your son’s name on it and have locksmith ready to seal the deal. I hope this helps.
Blake