Dear Blake,
We have a niece who spent 12 years in Hollywood trying to become an actress. The only job she ever managed to land was a TV commercial that showed only her hands. After spending tens of thousands of dollars and having five different agents, she finally gave up and moved back to Kansas.
She has now written a play in which she is the producer, director and sole actor. She has rented a venue and now expects all her friends and family to pay $50 each to come and watch her perform. We feel this is nothing more than a hobby of hers and question the level of talent and entertainment that will be presented. We rarely attend even the best of Broadway plays, but now feel obligated to go to keep peace in the family. How can we get out of this without causing resentment?
Signed, Cassandra
From Topeka, Kansas
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Dear Cassandra,
I admire your niece for vigorously pursuing her dream. I also think she should not be asking friends and family to see rantings on stage from a pathetic failed actress seeking attention. Anyway, here are some options you should consider. To permanently end her worthless career, write a horrible review on Yelp, alleging that the show was so bad, that halfway through her performance, the chairs got up and walked out. Or, pay a stage hand to turn off the microphone, and her theatrical debut may be more tolerable if it appears to be a silent movie. Or maybe this idea. Show her that you’re not interested in her show at all by bringing into the auditorium a card table and start a game, a barbecue grill and start cooking, or anything that can keep you busy until the curtain closes. And finally, right before she goes on stage, tell her Hollywood just called, they want her out there immediately, and there’s a plane waiting on her (that all of her friends and family secretly chipped in for). Hopefully she’ll be so excited, that as the plane is about to land, she initially won’t notice that she’s not in California, but once she sees all of those wild kangaroos, she’ll know exactly where she is. I hope this helps.
Blake