Dear Blake,
Every time there is a family gathering over my house, the same set of relatives does something that enrages me. Not only do they leave carrying some full plates of food, they also take things from the refrigerator and pantry that wasn’t even being served that day. It’s just like they were literally doing their grocery shopping. Even though my blood would be boiling, I never say anything. What should I do?
Signed Yoli,
From Lemont, Illinois
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Dear Yoli,
An assemblage for kin is a very important element in society and has been around since the dawn of man. However, your freeloading relatives have taken insensitivity to a new low. If these leeches want to act like your kitchen is supermarket, then you should react in kind. You can do this by putting some post-its with prices written on them on everything in your kitchen. If they are too stupid to take that as a hint, and still walks out with something, have them arrested for shoplifting. And to show them just how serious you are, place a cash register at your front door, along with a security guard that has nightstick and a bad attitude. But if you really want to show them how you feel, simply do the same thing to them, and take it to a new level. Encourage them to host a family function, and when you leave, take with you all exterior porch light bulbs, lawn sprinklers, and the tires from every car in their garage. And when they angrily question you about what you’ve done, ask them what is the safest and easiest way to remove some of the shingles from their roof? I hope this helps.
Blake