Dear Blake,
This is only my second year as an elementary school teacher. Last year was as stressful an introduction to my new profession as I thought it could be. Then this year started, and it has already put a good bit of strain on me because, among other things, one of my students is my first cousin’s oldest child, which wouldn’t be so bad if his mother wasn’t a first-class helicopter mom. My cousin is pretty chill, but his wife is a mess when it comes to their kids.
Since we’re only a couple of weeks into the new school year, it’s still possible for me to ask for a student switch, using the family connection as a potential conflict of interest. But I’m guessing that won’t fly for two reasons — last year one of the fifth grade teachers had her own kid in her class, and I know my cousin’s wife would hold it against me forever as a rejection of her child if I did the switch, which it truly would not be. Any suggestions?
Signed, Angela
From Los Angeles, California
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Dear Angela,
Getting him transferred may cause some family problems. So, you must figure out a way that will cause this child to demand to be transferred, as you indirectly run the kid out of the class… if not the entire school. Here are some options. Ask the child some complicated math questions that requires a calculator, but don’t let them use one. When they can’t figure out the answer in their head, tell them for their own good, you’re going to put in some paperwork, encouraging the school to hold them back for a couple of years. Ask him or her about an alleged bed wetting problem in front of all the students, and then ask them because of their bladder control issues, would they want to be a lifeguard when they grow up? If it’s a girl, tell her she isn’t coordinated enough to be a cheerleader, and add as an adult, she shouldn’t consider beauty pageants either. And finally, say in front of the class that you love your relative dearly and is glad the child is there, because at birth, the mother wanted to drop him/her off at an orphanage… and still fantasizes about doing it. I hope this helps.
Blake