BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – The Department of Homeland Security has started releasing hundreds of illegal immigrants held in local jails in anticipation of automatic budget cuts. The Secretary of the DHS Janet Napolitano, states that the public safety will not be in jeopardy. She said she took the precaution of having all of the drug dealers and murderers sign an agreement in English and Spanish prior to their release, promising that they will not commit any more crimes and they’ll respect and honor all state and federal laws. Napolitano also said she had the documents notarized to ensure that they were binding contracts.