BREAKING NEWS – Vatican City, Italy – Pope Francis I shocked a large crowd, as he shook his fist and proudly flaunted his wedding ring. He admitted that he has been married for over twenty years, has seven children, and he took the job because of the medical benefits and flexible hours. The Pope also said that he took the necessary precautions to secure his job, by signing a lifetime contract and a “no trade’ clause. Many Catholics in the crowd felt he crossed the line when he started laughing hysterically, after calling the cardinals that voted for him “a bunch of suckers”.