BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – President Obama defends his decision to acquire records of millions of Verizon Communications through a secret court order. He explained, that his desire to tap phones, was out of compassion for the people of the United States. The primary objective according to a source from the White House, is to monitor the tone of every voice to detect sorrow or strife. And then to locate the struggling individual, to insure that they were receiving the maximum allowable amount of government handouts.