BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – The Director of the National Security Agency (NSA) James Clapper, is under fire for statements he made before Congress that suggested he had no knowledge about federal government programs that collected data on millions of Americans’ phone calls and Internet activities. He explained, that he did not need a court order to get information from anyone who was suspected of being a threat to the United States, because of his background in hypnosis. Clapper then demonstrated his mind controlling power on the skeptical reporter that was interviewing him. And within five minutes of staring into his eyes, the reporter had given him all of his cash and credit cards, and was walking around the studio shirtless, clucking like a chicken.