BREAKING NEWS – Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada – With the blessing of Canada’s minister of public safety Steven Blaney, crack pipe vending-machines have been installed by the Portland Hotel Society in the Downtown Eastside. Homemade pipes are typically made inexpertly out of glass tubes and susceptible to breaks and splinters, both of which can cause wounds. The vending-machine pipes are brand new, made of tougher Pyrex glass, and cost only 25 cents. The government now plans to make military type bomb resistant suits that will be affordable to the average citizen, and will be marketed to Canadians that are self-employed crystal-meth distributors that work from home.