BREAKING NEWS – Chengdu, China – A panda research center in China called off what would have been the first-ever live broadcast of a panda birth after determining that panda Ai Hin wasn’t pregnant—just crafty. Pregnant pandas at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding get special treatment, and while “phantom pregnancies” among pandas are fairly common, experts suspect Ai Hin was actually faking symptoms, including reduced mobility, to get herself treats like extra bamboo. They also believe that Ai Hin learned to behave in this manor because she was somehow influenced by American culture, where millions of people regularly game the system through bogus work related injuries and staged car accidents.