BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – President Obama is now stating that he is legally obligated to release many of the detainees at Guantánamo Bay. He explained that if they can prove that their career has been terrorism, just like in the United States, they cannot be denied “the right to work”. He also stated that it probably can be successfully argued in court that the U.S. also owes them back pay, plus bonuses they would have received for committing exceptionally barbaric acts (as long as it was filmed or photographed in high resolution).