BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – ISIS is now refuting the White House claim that their No. 2 man Hajji Mutazz died in a U.S. strike in Iraq. The Islamic State explained that over the past few months Mutazz’s slipped to No. 5 in the rankings due to some of his poor performances in recent terrorist attacks. They also said that a few days before his death, they were seriously considering trading him to either Al Qaeda or the Taliban, with the hopes of acquiring a younger more vibrant maniacal killer.