BREAKING NEWS – Tallahassee, Florida – Tiger Woods files a 100 million dollar lawsuit against his former close friend Jack Nicklaus. The court papers filed states that Tiger was only five major golf championship wins away from breaking Jack’s record, but in order to maintain his position with the most wins, Jack knowingly and maliciously sabotaged Tiger’s golf game beginning in around 2000. According to Woods’ attorney at a press conference, that anytime his client had a good day on the course, Nicklaus would intentionally disrupt his focus by arranging “accidental” meetings between Tiger and a steady stream of young dimwitted blonds and gold diggers.