BREAKING NEWS – Los Angeles, California – Maria Sharapova has been provisionally banned from tennis after revealing that she tested positive at the Australian Open for a recently banned drug that she has been taking for 10 years. The drug is called meldonium, though Sharapova said she had been using it under the name of mildronate and was unaware of both the different name and the fact it is on the World Anti-Doping Agency’s banned list until she received a letter notifying her of the positive test 10 days ago. She explained that she never used the drug to cheat, but to maintain her “very attractive and feminine appearance.” At her press conference Sharapova stated, “I am a very pretty girly girl, and I don’t ever want to lose it and start resembling the masculine appearing women in my sport, that often have thin moustaches.”