BREAKING NEWS – Chicago, Illinois – After conducting a 30 year joint study by the American Psychiatric Association and the Astrological Society, they have determined that there are some glaring consistencies regarding the twelve signs. Here are the conclusions they have drawn:
Capricorn – the stingiest of all the signs, will not lift a finger to help anyone unless it’s made clear that they will personally benefit from it.
Aquarius – Is the the stingiest by far, and rarely gives a penny to charitable organizations. They usually find it funny when close friends or relatives get eviction notices.
Pisces – People with this sign are the most likely to steal from their parents, their grown children, and grandchildren.
Aries – Rarely returns anything they borrow, and always gets angry when close friends or family members request the money that they foolishly loaned them.
Taurus – Are usually bullies in grammar school, but they often change their ways after a bigger bully beats them up, which frequently requires hospitalization and lengthy physical therapy.
Gemini – Are always the worst drivers on the road. Police that have pulled them over after watching them drive erratically, are shocked that they are sober.
Cancer – Will lie every time when asked about their weight and age. They also are the most likely to exaggerate on their résumé when applying for a job, and will most likely later spread malicious rumors about co-workers that they can’t stand.
Leo – Of all the signs, these people tend to believe in conspiracy theories, regardless of how ridiculous the premise is. At least once a month they report to law enforcement, a UFO or an Elvis sighting.
Virgo – Are the worse housekeepers and for the most part are slobs. Visitors to their homes often need to use a Thesaurus to assist them in finding the words in describing how awful it smells.
Libra – Hates pets and small children, and regularly fantasizes about controlling both of them with a bullwhip.
Scorpio – Regularly buys and sells stolen property. They are most often the prime suspect anytime a nearby neighbor’s home is burglarized.
Sagittarius – Struggles most of their adult life with alcoholism, and are usually intoxicated when they get behind the wheel of their uninsured vehicle.