BREAKING NEWS – Cherry Hill, New Jersey – TD Bank has now promised an “enhanced testing program” for its popular Penny Arcade coin counters before returning them to duty at its 1,300 locations. The bank unplugged the machines on Wednesday after a report revealed that each of a handful that were tested had shortchanged customers. The bank refused to answer questions about how the machines ended up apparently cheating customers out of up to 15 percent of their money. However CEO Mike Pedersen responded in a written statement which read in part, “If a person was carrying that many coins, we assumed they were probably uneducated and couldn’t count. Thus I was surprised that these panhandling derelicts even noticed they were constantly being short changed.”
