BREAKING NEWS – Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – The Olympic Committee has decided not to investigate the U.S. women’s 4 x 100 relay track team after they ran the second fastest time in history, continuing their dominance in the event. The OC initially was considering conducting blood tests, when they were anonymously informed that the women cheated, with allegations that all four of them were injected with the DNA of roadrunners. But the OC later determined it was nothing more than an unsubstantiated rumor that was started by banned Russian athletes and Wile E. Coyote.