BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Feds are now offering a possible change in visa status to persuade illegal immigrants to turn on MS-13. Critics of the sanctuary city crackdown say it will chill immigrants from helping ICE go after the violent Hispanic gang members, but the feds say it will win cooperation from the immigrant community. Senator Chuck Schumer was visibly angry and animated at the new policy as he explained at a press conference. “If anyone in this country illegally causes an MS-13 member to get arrested, I will have the snitch immediately deported! Doesn’t loyalty mean anything anymore? I am now going to create a task force that will not only represent any members of that gang in court, but I will also get them assistance in registering their stolen handguns and assault rifles.”
